"Appreciation"

When I was twelve years old I was just beginning to go through the pangs of love. Okay it was puppy love but it felt as real as anything could possibly feel. At this same time Sarah, a girl who lived in our neighborhood, had just been dumped by her boyfriend. Sarah had just finished her freshman year in college and this was a big thing to her.

She came over to our house and cried tears of real anguish as she told my mother how that louse Bobby had broken her heart. She added that she just couldn't understand why he didn't love her like she loved him.

My mother assured her that Bobby did love her but it was just not in that way that she loved him. She tried to explain to Sarah that we can't force people to love us any more than we can force ourselves to love someone we don't love. And then she quietly reminded Sarah about the boy named Billy who had pursued her on and off for months before she began dating Bobby.

"You know Sarah," she added, "love is the most wonderful gift someone can give us. And if we can't return it we have to at least appreciate it and I am sure Bobby appreciates your love."

After Sarah left I asked my mother about what she had said. She sat there, looked at me and said, "I have had people tell me they loved me. There was one boy in particular. His name was Todd Burton and he loved me a lot. And I wanted to love him but it just wasn't there. The feelings weren't right. But I appreciate the way he loved me. I appreciate the way it made me feel and the joy it brought me."

I asked her whatever happened to Todd Burton and she said that he had actually moved from Alabama to South Carolina and lived in Greenville. She said her sister had kept up with Todd's sister and had told her this. She then added that my Daddy knew all about Todd, and anyway that was a long time ago.

A few months later my mother was diagnosed with cancer and in a quick two years her illness had sapped her of her strength, her energy and her voice. The cancer was in the lymph nodes and it affected her ability to speak.

Toward the end she slept a lot and wasn't really coherent. I think I knew she was dying but I never verbalized it. I just moved through the days of that summer like a zombie.

One night there was a knock at our door and I opened it to find a man standing there. He said his name was Todd Burton and he asked to see my father. I went and got my Daddy. When he got there they shook hands and Mr. Burton said, "I came to say good-bye."

My father took him into the bedroom where my mother was and came out and shut the door behind him. I could hear the sound of talking behind the door but I didn't hear any words that were said. In a few minutes he came out and his eyes were red from crying. He shook my father's hand again and then he left.

In a few days my mother was taken to the hospital and never returned to our house on Holland Street. I never learned what Todd Burton said to her or what she felt about him coming to see her. But as I have gotten older I have thought about that visit a lot, and I have thought about the appreciation of love.

We can't choose who we love and we can't choose who we don't love. We can only appreciate the love that comes our way. As my mother said, it is the greatest gift you can give or receive.

 

 

 

 

 

©2005 Jackie K. Cooper

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