"Unkept Promises"

My father in law has Alzheimer's Disease. He has had it for nineteen years and it has been a battle from the time he first developed symptoms. He has managed to stay at home until a few days ago. At that point his wife had done all she could do and she reluctantly told her children he needed care that she could not give.

So the family found a wonderful place where he could be cared for and attended to around the clock. So far it has worked out pretty good but it certainly has been hard for the family. One of the big problems was that the children had all promised their father they would take care of him, and that did not include putting him somewhere. They have told me over and over, "I promised him. I promised him."

My answer to this is there are some promises that can't be kept. You keep them for as long as you can but at some point you have to break them. You don't mean to lie when you make the promises but technically you do.

I went through the same thing with my father. As he got older he would say to me often, "Jackie, don't ever put me in a nursing home." And I would assure him I wouldn't. But even as I said it I was adding a codicil, "Not as long as I can keep from it."

In my heart I knew there could be circumstances when my father might have to be put in a nursing home. Thankfully he never reached that point but he could have, and I would have. I could lie and say I wouldn't have but I know in my heart that if it had been necessary I would.

From all of this I have learned to never ask my children for such promises. It isn't fair to them to do that. When such promises are made it can be heart wrenching to have to break them. And then there is the guilt. There is always the guilt.

Dealing with elderly parents is not an easy thing to do. In most cases the children all work, and have other responsibilities. The parent(s) usually do not want to go into assisted living or nursing home care. In the case of my father he was living in South Carolina and I live in Georgia. At one point he called me and told me I needed to move to South Carolina to take care of him and his wife.

I tried to explain that I had a job and couldn't do that. Then I mentioned the possibility of them moving to Perry, Georgia. He told me not to be silly, that he would never leave Clinton, South Carolina. He had been born there and he would die there. And he did. He died in his home and never had to be moved to a nursing home - but if the circumstances had been that he had to, well that is what I would have done.

We make promises a lot of time because they are demanded. We make them to give our parents peace of mind. We make them for a variety of reasons. But there are some promises that can't be kept. 

We all have miles to go before we sleep, and there are some promises we just can't keep.

 

 

 

 

 

©2006 Jackie K. Cooper

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