"I Never Sang For My Father"

When I was in either the fifth or sixth grade I had a good boy soprano voice. It was so good that the music teacher, Dr. Nielsen, selected me to sing a solo in the state competition. The song was "If With All Your Heart You Truly Seek Him" and it had some high notes in it. I was very flattered to be selected to do it but scared silly at the thought of having to sing it in competition.

The competition was held in Columbia, South Carolina and all of us kids were taken there on a school bus. If parents wanted to go they had to provide their own transportation. At that time I don't think we even owned a car so there was no way my mother could go. I remember telling her how scared I was and she told me just to sing it like I was singing it for her.

And that is what I did. I stood up, got her image in my mind and sang it just for her. Now the great thing would be if I could say I sang like an angel that day, but I didn't. I think I actually cracked on that high note at the end. Still I did alright and got through it without embarrassing myself.

The important thing was my mother believed in me, and whenever she did come to hear me perform or get an award or whatever, I knew when I was on stage I was doing it for her. And I continued to have that feeling even after she died.

My father was a good man. Everybody loved him and he basically loved everybody. Still he was not much a part of my life. Now that doesn't mean I didn't love him, I did. It was just that we didn't talk much, and we never talked about important things. From the time my mother died his goal was just to get me raised with as few problems as possible.

That means he never talked to me about getting good grades. He never talked to me about staying out of trouble with girls, drugs, etc. He never talked about me going to college or choosing a career field. I was on my own in those areas.

Now was this a good way to parent? No. But I guess it was the only way he knew. He and his father had never had a relationship like I wanted. He told me one time he was afraid of his father, and having known him I could see why. He was not an overly friendly man. Still I wish my father had made the effort to go beyond what his father was in regards to our relationship.

After I was grown and would visit my father he began to tell people what a good father he was. He would repeat it over and over like some kind of mantra. And when he asked if I agreed, I would smile and say yes he was. But inside I was denying it. He was a good man. He was not a good father.

When I graduated from college my father and my stepmother came to the ceremonies. I was president of the class and so had to make a small speech. When I did it I thought about my mother and I knew somewhere inside of me she was listening. As I recall my father never mentioned my speech; he just said he was glad I had graduated.

Everyone needs someone to "sing" to and for. For so many years it was my mother. Now it is my wife, my sons and my grandkids. I have had a blessed life in so many ways. One of my regrets is that I never sang for my father. The bottom line is I never had a reason to.

 

 

 

 

 

©2006 Jackie K. Cooper

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