"Foolish Fears"

Don't ask me why but I have always suffered from insecurities. For the most part I have a healthy ego and know my strengths and my weaknesses. Still when it comes to certain things I am totally insecure. I fought against these feelings when I was a child and I fight them now.

These insecurities began when I was small and my parents would want to throw me a birthday party. I always said no. I wouldn't tell them why but I steadfastly said no. Eventually they gave up and just celebrated with the family around me.

What I didn't tell them was I was afraid no one would come. It was one of my worst fears. I would be there with my parents and no one would show up. I would die of embarrassment. Therefore I never had a birthday party while I was growing up.

When I got married and my wife and I had children I went through misery every time either one of my sons had a party. Again I was panic-stricken that no one would come. I tried to talk my wife out of having the parties but she wouldn't budge. I even told her why I didn't want my sons to have one. She said I was being silly and went ahead with the planning. And of course she was right. There was always a good attendance.

A month or so ago I was talking with the head of the Sidney Lanier Cottage in Macon, Georgia. She told me about a program they had whereby a poet or writer would come and read from their work. The evening was called a "Sidney's Salon" and she asked if I would participate in one. I agreed and we decided on a date in January.

A few days after I had talked with her she called me and said she would need a list of who I wanted to invite. Panic hit me. This was like having a birthday party and no one showing up. If I was responsible for getting people to the "Sidney's Salon" I was in big trouble. 

I explained my fears to my wife and once again she dismissed them. So I made a list and I gave it to the lady at the Sidney Lanier Cottage. Then I sat back to dread the night arriving. When the day did come I kept telling myself it would all be over in three hours and I could stand anything for that long - even public humiliation. My wife cheerfully told me she didn't care if she was the only one there, I could read to her.

Well to make a long story short the evening was wonderful. There was a good crowd of attendees and my stories seemed to be a hit. I ended the night on a real high, pumped up with the thrill of having such a warm and attentive audience.

On the way home I thought back on how much fun I had had, and then thought about what I would have missed if I had given in to my insecurities. I decided then and there that "little fears" were not going to rule my life any more. I had rather stick my neck out and try something that had the potential to be great than to miss it all together by being afraid of what might happen.

There are enough real things in life to worry us or make us afraid. We shouldn't waste our time on the little things. I am determined to put this new theory into practice. Heck, I might even have a birthday party next year.
 

 

 

 

 

©2007 Jackie K. Cooper

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