"Fathers and Sons"

Recently a friend of mine's father died. In a meeting with his family before the funeral it was decided he should give the eulogy. My friend agreed to do it somewhat reluctantly because he knew his father would be a hard person to eulogize in a totally positive way. 

There had been problems in his relationship with his father. Still he thought maybe some of the complex situations between them might help others know his father in a more understandable way. So he gave the eulogy and he pointed out some of the problems. He did not savage his father but he did try to be honest.

The relationship between fathers and sons are often difficult. I think those between mothers and daughters are usually more difficult, but the male relationship is a hard one too. My father and I loved each other but I don'' know if we ever really knew each other. I was/am a man of many moods and passions. My father knew one mood and that was happy.

On any given day at any given time at any given point in his life you could ask my father how he was doing and his answer would always be the same. He would tell you he was just fine. How could a man who lost his wife to cancer be fine? How could a man who had cancer himself be fine? How could a man with a million other problems be fine?

One of our biggest problems was that he always thought things were fine. I remember early in my teenage years coming to my father with some sort of problem. It was something that had happened at school. As I began to unburden myself to him he quickly told me not to tell him. He said it would give him a headache. Later I learned he had an abnormal tolerance for pain and never, ever had headaches.

My father loved being around his family as long as they didn't cause any problems. He didn't like conflict. He didn't like anything that made him feel uncomfortable. After I was grown and married he would tell me how he liked to visit me and my family. Then he would quickly add that he didn't want us to live in the same town. He didn't want to know the problems of my daily life.

Talking about keeping our distance was one of the few serious conversations I ever had with my father. Usually it was just about who in the family was graduating from school, or who was moving with their job, or something informative but light. He never once asked about my dreams, my aspirations, my highs or my lows.

I regret that we never had a deep and intense conversation wherein I could get to know him and he could get to know me. I blame myself for this failure as much as I blame him. I should have forced the issue but I never did. He went to his grave being a sweet, loveable man who was always fine.

When my father died I gave his eulogy. I talked about how much he was liked and how happy he was. I talked about how I would miss him and how the whole community would too. I said only positive things. But maybe I should have asked some of the people who were there what he was really like. Who was my father when he was not around me? Did he open up to anyone and let them see who he really was?

I talk to my two sons just about every day. I try to be as honest with them as possible. I don't want them to one day realize they didn't know their father at all - like I did.
 

 

 

 

 

©2007 Jackie K. Cooper

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