“Define Yourself”

When I was growing up I always felt I was defined by who my friends were. If I managed to hang with the cool crowd then I somehow became cool. If I gravitated towards the more intellectual group then I was an intellectual. It never dawned on me I could define myself.

The same was true with my family. I always felt we were defined by how much money we had, how many things we had. Believe me we did not have a lot so I never felt satisfied with the definition that was placed on us. We were middle class through and through though I ran with some of the upper class kids.

My father and stepmother seemed to always expect my brother and me to have “big money.” I know they never missed a chance to tell us about the ones my age or my brother’s who had made it to the top and were pulling in “big money.” How big this big money was, was never clearly defined. It was just “big” and the message from them was I should strive to do the same.

What brings this all to mind is a discussion I had with a friend of mine in South Carolina over Christmas. He has a son who is a sophomore in college, and he also has a drug problem. The family has sent this young man to well known rehab facilities but nothing has helped. Now they are getting desperate as to how much longer this can go on.

My friend told me that his son is either defined by his peers or by his past, and neither one is helping him become someone different from who he is. The crowd he hangs out with is part of the problem in how he got into drugs. They tend to define who he is and what he should do and that is not acceptable.

Then there is his past. This young man and his high school sweetheart got pregnant their senior year. Rather than have the child the girl had an abortion against the young man’s wishes. He has never gotten over it. The guilt is tremendous on his part.

The young man’s parents have had him to psychologists and psychiatrists hoping he can find a way to forgive himself. So far nothing has helped. This is where the defining of the individual comes in. The father is convinced that if he could get his son to recognize that each day is the start of a new life he might be able to get off drugs and start his life. He wants him to define himself by who he is right now, at this present moment.

As is the young man is just treading water, trying to get through each day without using drugs. He has no real plans for the future other than just to survive. He is afraid of using drugs again but he knows that he probably will. He has defined his life to be a user.

Most of us have incidents in our past we wish had never happened. In some cases it casts a shadow over our present, while in others it scars us with memories and dreams that haunt our lives. I remember spending time regretting how horrible some aspects of my teen years had been, especially where my father and stepmother were concerned, but we can’t live in the past and we can’t let the past control us.

Each day we have to take a stand and declare that we are who we are and it is who we want to be. If we can’t do that we have to change. We have to put the past aside and take responsibility for who we are and who we are going to become. We have to define ourselves. In many cases that is the only thing which will save us.
 

 

 

 

 

©2009 Jackie K. Cooper

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