"I'll Never Be A Father To A Daughter"

Today I went to my granddaughter's dance recital. She is only four so she was not the "star" of the event. The older kids got more dance numbers and her age group only made an appearance at various intervals. The whole thing lasted an interminable three hours. I was in dance class hell, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Most of the musical numbers numbed me out, and I have to admit I nodded off more than once. But then a special number was performed. It was a dance routine between the older girls and their fathers. The men walked on stage in black pants and white shirts while their daughters were all in white dresses. 

They did a few moves where the fathers lifted the girls and spun them around, and another where the men twirled their girls. At the end some of the smaller girls came out and danced on their fathers' feet. What I mean is they stood on their fathers' feet while the men danced a little waltz like number.

Tears started coming out of my eyes as soon as this number started. I was really touched. And I could just see my son Sean in a few years dancing with his daughter. But me, I'll never get to dance with a daughter.

Let me get the guilt out of the way and say quickly that I absolutely could not ask for any two finer boys than my sons are. They have given me more happiness than I could ever deserve. Would I trade either one of them in order to have a daughter? Not on your life. But if we could have had that third child would I have wanted it to be a daughter? You bet.

There is a bond between fathers and daughters that I will never know. I have observed it with our friends. Fathers are the first love of a little girl's life. And she gives that love freely and openly. I hate I missed that. I envy that relationship.

I know there are men who never had a son, who grieve for that missing person too. They feel cheated that they never had a son to cheer for in football games or other sports events, never had someone to go hunting or fishing with, nor had a male heir to pass their mechanical skills along to. 

I, on the other hand, grieve for the father/daughter things. I will never escort my daughter out on the football field as she is crowned Homecoming Queen. I will never escort her at her Debutante Ball. I will never walk her down the aisle and give her away to the man she has chosen to marry. 

It is hard to explain but I do actually have a longing for this daughter I never had. For so many years she has existed as a presence waiting to be born. But now I know that dream will not come true. I have the next best thing and that is a granddaughter. But sometimes I just miss that little girl I dreamed about. I miss her so much.

 

 

 

 

 

©2004 Jackie K. Cooper

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