"Another Father's Day"

This "Father's Day" was especially rough. It fell on the fourth anniversary of my father's death. Now that is a double whammy that can bring you down. And it did me. My mood for the day was the pits, and self-pity flowed in abundance.

It was also a day of being analytical. I spent a lot of time wondering what kind of father I have been. I think I have been a good father, but I think most fathers convince themselves they are. I know my father used to say to any and all who would listen to him, "I know there is one thing I can always say, and that is I have been a good father to my boys." And he honestly believed it

Now was he a good man? Absolutely. Was he a good husband? I think he probably was. But was he a good father? Nah, he didn't have a clue. He was good in the sense that he wasn't a drunk who beat his children. Wasn't a drug addict who sold his children's toys. Wasn't a philanderer who had another family on the other side of town. No, he was a sweet moral man who just didn't know anything about communication.

I can not remember one in depth conversation we ever had. He wasn't a man who dwelt in deep thoughts. He liked to talk about the Atlanta Braves, and he liked to talk about what different members of the family were doing, and he liked to talk about the weather. But being analytical was not in his makeup.

He never had "the talk" with me about sex. He would have died rather than discuss such a thing. He never discussed with me when he was going to get remarried. As well as I recall he just came to me one day and said I have decided to get married. It wasn't asking for agreement or a blessing, it was just a statement of fact.

I remember one time asking him what he thought about my studying law as a career. He said it sounded like a good career. That was it. No guidance. No pro's and con's. No real interest. 

It was the same thing when I decided to get married. I came to him and told him I had decided to get married and asked him what he thought about it. He said Terry seemed like a nice girl. That was it. No dialogue about how serious a step marriage was. No question about my finances.

But as you can tell, I didn't give up. I constantly sought more from our relationship than was there. I wanted him to be a source of information, a source of comfort, a source of friendship. What he was, was a source of love. He may not have talked with me but he did let me know I was loved.

I do have deep conversations with my sons. We talk about everything and we talk in depth and for long durations. But I wonder, does this make me a good father? Do I give them what they need their father to be? And the answer comes back, who knows! I guess all you can do is try - and keep an open ear for what your shortcomings are.

My father never gave me what I needed in the sense of being a source of guidance. I would say, "Talk to me" and he would just smile, and tell me he loved me. Maybe in the long run that should have been enough.

 

 

 

 

 

©2004 Jackie K. Cooper

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