Christian Bale in "3:10 To Yuma"
courtesy of Lionsgate Home Entertainment
"Nothing To Crowe About"

Sometimes they remake old movies and the new version is better than the old one. In other cases they should just leave well enough alone. "3:10 To Yuma" which is now out on DVD is one they should have left alone. Fifty years ago Glenn Ford and Van Heflin starred in a moderately successful western by that name. It wasn't a classic in the sense of "Shane" or "High Noon" but it was enjoyable and entertaining. The remake stars Russell Crowe and Christian Bale. It is directed by James Mangold of "Walk the Line" fame. That is a lot of star power associated with one film and it is still a mess.

Bale plays Dan Evans, a rancher who is down on his luck. He is strapped for money and sees a time when he and his wife (Gretchen Mol) will have to take their two sons and leave their property. A chance for some extra money arrives when the local sheriff captures robber/killer Ben Wade (Crowe). They offer Dan two hundred dollars to help take Wade to the nearest town where a train will take him to the authorities. This is the 3:10 train to Yuma.

Most of the film is taken up with this trek to the train station. Along the way Wade begins to work on Dan's mind and even ends up offering him more than two hundred dollars to let him escape. Dan is tempted because he needs to have some security for his family, but his oldest son Will (Logan Lerman) is with him and he doesn't want to set a bad example for him.

This sounds like a pretty interesting film but it just doesn't play out that way. Nothing in the movie makes any sense. People stand around waiting to be shot and never seem inclined to fight back. In one scene the bad guys are down in the street below a window where thew good guys are located. These men are brutal killers but no one takes a shot at them. They sit around waiting for them to attack.

When you get to the end of the movie everything does fall apart. It is off the wall and totally unbelievable. At the start of the film Dan is shown limping badly because he has an artificial leg, but at the end he is running and jumping off roofs like he has two good legs.

The best part of the movie is the humor. Ben Wade gets off some funny one liners as he sits around waiting to be rescued. Still the humor seems out of place in such a dramatic situation, but in a movie this messed up you take whatever good you can find.

The acting is okay. Crowe shows Ben's charm as well as his evil side. Bale is somewhat heroic. Ben Foster is outstanding as Ben Wade's truly evil assistant, and Logan Lerman shines as the over eager son.

The ingredients are there for a good film but the lack of coherency is deadly. This movie is nothing to "Crowe" about and the actors should have "Bale-d" as soon as they saw the rambling script. It is worth a DVD rental fee but that is all. Some old movies should just be left alone.

Not even in the ballpark with "3:10 To Yuma" is another movie on DVD. This one is titled "Dragon Wars." "Dragon Wars" aka "D-Wars" is a total waste of time for any audience, even one that just rents it on DVD. It tells the tale of two dragons at war with each other. The dragons want to be part of the celestial scenery or something like that and in order to do it they have to eat up this really nice girl. How is that for a downer of a plot!

The first third of the movie (or at least it seemed that long) takes place in Japan back in the 16th century. A girl lives during this age and she is the chosen one to be dragon food. Somehow her boyfriend saves her and so the dragon thing isn't settled. Five hundred years later the fun starts again.

A newspaper reporter named Ethan (Jason Behr) learns from a wise man (Robert Forster) that he is to be the protector of a girl named Sarah (Amanda Brooks). She is the latest dragon snack girl. The rest of the movie is about the followers of the bad dragon trying to get the girl, while the followers of the good dragon are trying the same thing.

Most of the movie is just one big battle after another and in some of these moments the special effects are fairly good. But a bunch of buildings blowing up can't make up for the lame plot and poor acting.

Both Behr and Brooks are terrible, while Forster just looks embarrassed. Forster is actually an Oscar nominee so he should have known better than to get mixed up in a mess like this one. Behr and Brooks are fairly new into their careers so they will take anything.

After all the mess of this movie that occurs in the first half you might at least hope for a satisfying ending. No such luck. The ending is lamer than lame, including a tearful dragon after it eats someone. Puh-lease! Don't waste your hard-earned money on trash like this. And only rent the DVD if you are going to sit there and make fun of it.

The biggest claim to fame "Golden Door" has is that it is a Martin Scorcese presentation. Note I did not say he directed it - he presented it. It is a fairly enjoyable film about two immigrants who fall in love on their way to America and then have a difficult finding each other again. Charlotte Gainsbourg and Vincenzo Amato are the stars and they are convincing in their roles.

The movie is all about the American dream and what it took to dare to come to America in hopes of finding it. Scorcese must have found something in his own background that drew him to the film and made him want to "present" it. You can find out about that in the "extras" included on the DVD.

"Golden Door" is a film about a traditional romance but "Eagle vs Shark" is a quirky comedy/romance about two goofballs. Jemaine Clement and Loren Horsley play their romance out against a backdrop of video games and strange actions. You have to see what this couple does in order to believe it. They are weird in their actions.

How much you enjoy this DVD depends on how much you can accept people who act like these two do. My tolerance was pretty low but you might do better. Good luck!

Finally there is "White Noise 2." Now I personally did not think "White Noise" was such a great movie. And I certainly did not think it was successful enough to spawn a sequel, but it has. Now on DVD you can get "White Noise 2."

Michael Keaton does not return but instead Nathan Fillion ("Desperate Housewives" and "Firefly") stars as a man whose wife and child have been brutally murdered. He is so despondent he attempts suicide but fails. As a result of the attempt he thinks he now has the power to identify those about to die. As he helps or tires to help those marked for death to escape death's clutches he learns the price of tampering with fate.

Katee Sackoff co-stars in this eerie film. Sackoff and Fillion, plus a complex storyline, make this sequel better than the original - and how rare is that!
 

 

 

 

 

©2008 Jackie K. Cooper

Click above to find out more about Jackie's books!